Post by 52midnight on May 8th, 2012 at 6:22am
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Source: AAP via Reuters
A new type of virus spreading rapidly across the world may spell the end of the Internet as we know it. Earlier types of virus remained within users' machines, but this new type can infect users themselves. It appears to result from the new IPv6 address protocol. The older IPv4 with its 32-bit address space is now full; the 128-bits of IPv6 contain many more addresses than are needed for every star in the universe. However, this vastly increased capacity also allows the transmission of enough information to replicate DNA across the Internet, allowing biological viruses to move between computers and breed within them.
The consequences thus far have been alarming. Researchers have verified the transmission of viral infections over high-capacity intercontinental data links, and they appear to be moving into businesses and homes. Authorities are refusing to comment on unconfirmed reports of a number of deaths, but the aggressive nature of these new viruses is well established. The dominant strain is a mutant hybrid of ebola, the necrotic African virus, and the haemorrhagic variola, thought to have been eradicated. It is named scrotus pustulens malignans and commonly known as scrot(R). To date, its origins remain a mystery.
The dominant transmission vectors are via the computer keyboard and mouse. Attempts at containing the virus within them have failed so far, and scientists say that guaranteed protection may be impossible. Governments have remained silent on the issue for fear of starting wide-spread panic, but legislation is already being prepared to avert an infection epidemic and possible large-scale fatalities.
Trademark Notice: scrot(R) is a registered trademark of Piles4U, a joint venture between Dow Chemical and Monsanto Corporation.
Preparing scrotricide.(R) Pour two cups of laundry bleach into a large bowl, add two heaped desert-spoons of caustic soda flakes, a pinch of cayenne pepper, and stir until the soda flakes dissolve. Let stand until it cools.
Mouse. Lower the mouse into the scrotricide(R) and leave to soak overnight. Shake dry in the morning and all risk of infection will be gone. (Disclaimer: the reappearance of symptoms following this procedure is due to re-infection, and not to the inefficacy of the process.)
Keyboard. Swab the keyboard liberally with scrotricide,(R) leave for two hours, and shake vigorously to remove remaining liquid. Risk of infection thereafter is minimal. (Disclaimer: the reappearance of symptoms following this procedure is due to re-infection, and not to the inefficacy of the process.)
Scrota(R) (those afflicted with scrot(R)) are advised to consult their family doctor at the first appearance of symptoms. These include hair growing on the backs of hands, occasional mild spasms, and shortness of breath. The outbreak of pustulent chancres on the lips, cheeks and ears, and rapid growth of horny protuberances on the nose may prove embarrassing, but these have not definitely been linked to scrot(R). They can be treated using scrotricide(R) (see above). Soak a towel in a bowl of scrotricide(R) and wrap it around the affected areas. Take three aspirin, a cup of tea, and a nice lie-down. In a few hours the affected areas will have dissolved, leaving the scrot(R) intact. (Warning: all pustulent chancres and horny protuberances acquired as a consequence of scrot(R) remain the property of Dow Chemical and Monsanto Corporation.)
CONTACT YOUR NEAREST HEALTH-CARE PROFESSIONAL IMMEDIATELY
IF YOU SUSPECT YOU ARE A SCROTUM(R)
SCROT(R) T-shirts and bumper stickers are available from this website.
Warning: Claims that the registered trade-name scrot(R) derives from a contraction of 'scrotum rot'
are spurious, fraudulent, inflammatory, and will be vigorously pursued as evidence of criminal libel.
* * * What's HOT is SCROT(R)!!! * * *
Download the SCROT(R) theme song and music video from iTunes(R) now!
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SCROT(R) - A PRODUCT OF DOW CHEMICAL AND MONSANTO CORPORATION
FREEING THE WORLD FROM HUNGER
BECAUSE WE CARE
SCROT(R)