Ladies and Gentlemen of Australia my name is Kevvy Rudd and I welcome you all to my official Election Campaign,
You will vote for a new Government on 7 September I now unveil to you the reasons to vote Labor.
Firstly I know that the refugee crisis is most likely very much on your minds. Due to a slight error of judgement I inadvertently made it possible for 45,000 boat people to make landfall in Australia.
Due to this slight oversight I have rethought my boat people policy and am now placing them in Papua New Guinea. Now whilst most people will realise that this is a complete turnaround on what I once claimed my position, I say as P.M. that I have a right to change my mind and change my mind I have.
PNG is now the next Big Thing...you will be relieved to know that this will only cost you 1 billion dollars over the next few years.
Do not be nervous, I have found a way to fund this venture. It involves a small sacrifice on you by way of a tax levy on your savings. Also, I am going to hammer the smokers out there and let's face it, who likes a smoker except the Government.
Also I am raiding Superannuation funds dormant accounts and have found a way to relieve the owners of 580 million dollars.
My Treasurer Chris Bowen has revised budget forecasts and now we will only have a deficit of 30 billion dollars.
Fear not, we have a triple A rating and I'm sure the Chinese will be happy to lend my Government 100 million dollars a day.
I will be making further news to you in the coming days.
But you can sleep safe tonight, your Prime Minister is awake at the wheel.