STEP 1: BUY ALL THE BOATS

The first Step is to buy up all the boats in Indonesia. Yep: All of them. What if more boats are built, you ask? No worries, we'll buy them too! What if old boats are repaired? Consider them bought! Still have questions? Stop being such a cynic - This is a 'Real Solution', so it has to work! When we buy up all the boats, the People Smugglers wont have any boats left. Simple, right? Asylum Seeker problem Solved!

STEP 2: FILL THE BOATS WITH TELECOMMUNICATIONS EQUIPMENT

Once we get all the boats to Australia - we need to do something with them. There's only so many boats you can sink for a man-made-reef. But that crazy Malcolm Turnbull had a great idea. He had this plan to build "Nodes" all around the country. But all a node is just a big ugly fridge full of telecommunication equipment. Rather than buying 100,000 new fridges - we are going to reuse the boats

STEP 3: PUT A BOAT ON EVERY STREET CORNER

Now we need to put deploy our boats. The Copper wiring in Australia isn't very good, so we need to put a boat on ever street corner. That's okay - there's lots of boats to buy in Indonesia. Then we will run Fibre Optic Cable to the Boat. Fibre Optics allows very fast internet connections. But from the Boat, your internet will go over standard copper wire. It's Fibre To The Boat.

STEP 4: LET THE CHILDREN PLAY PIRATES

Now Tony Abbott is passionate about his exercise and helping Australia deal with the Obesity Epidemic. So what better way to help kids get out and exercise than by putting a pirate ship on their nature strip. Kids will love climbing all over the boats - playing pirate and screaming "ARRGGHH" at passers by.

STEP 5: STOP EVERYONE ELSE BEING PIRATES

This is the best part of the FTTB plan. By giving everyone slower Broadband, we stop all those pesky adult pirates. Otherwise they might start paying Netflix $10/month instead of Foxtel $100/month. And we all know what Rupert would think of that.