A guy and his wife are at the casino and he sees a particularly attractive lady. He says to his wife:

"Why can't you look like that?"

she replies

"If I looked like that I wouldn't be married to you!"

“And now, to make matters worse, they (the Tories) have elected a foetus as party leader.” Former Sports Minister Tony Banks on William Hague, Conservative Party leader from 1997 to 2001 and now the Foreign Secretary


**************

“Sex with Nicholas was like having a very large wardrobe with a very small key falling on top of you.” An ex lover of portly Tory MP Nicholas Soames, the MP for Mid Sussex, the Shadow Defence Secretary between 2003 and 2005 and Sir Winston Churchill's grandson


*****************

“Their lyrics are unrecognisable as the Queen’s English.” Former British PM Ted Heath on The Beatles


******************




“They are not fit to manage a whelk stall.” Churchill on the Labour Party
*****************

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.” Churchill on Neville Chamberlain
******************

Labour MP Bessie Braddock to Churchill: “Winston, you’re drunk!”

Churchill: “Bessie, you’re ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober”
****************

Anonymous woman - "There are two things I don't like about you, Mr Churchill - your politics and your moustache."

Churchill - "My dear madam, pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come into contact with either."

********************

John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich (1718-1792, the guy who invented the snack) - "Upon my honour, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox."

John Wilkes MP (1725-1797) - "That depends, my Lord, upon whether I embrace your Lordship's principles or your mistress."
****************

From Tomorrow Never Dies:


Admiral Roebuck - "With all due respect M, I don't think you have the balls for this."

M - "Perhaps. The advantage is I don't have to think with them all the time."
****************

An incident which supposedly happened in the British Army:

Senior Warrant Officer (jabbing a recruit with his pace stick) - "There is a piece of s**t at the end of this stick."

New recruit - "Not at this end there isn't."
******************

The Damp Rag Rant

Probably the best one from recent years, an absolute classic from the European Parliament from February 2010:



Nigel Farage, the leader of anti-EU party UKIP and the MEP (Member of the European Parliament) for South East England, to the unelected EU President Herman Van Rompuy: "We were told that when we had a president, we'd see a giant global political figure, a man who would be the political leader for 500 million people, the man that would represent all of us on the world stage, the man whose job was so important that of course you're paid more than President [Barack] Obama.

Well, I'm afraid what we got was you ... I don't want to be rude but, really, you have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk and the question I want to ask is: 'Who are you? I'd never heard of you. Nobody in Europe had ever heard of you.'

I can speak on behalf of the majority of British people in saying that we don't know you, we don't want you, and the sooner you are put out to grass, the better."

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
***********************

“A sheep in sheep’s clothing... a modest man with much to be modest about.”
- Winston Churchill on Clement Atlee
*********************

“Tell the Lord Privy Seal I am sealed in my privy, and can only deal with one sh*t at a time.”
- Churchill's response to a clerk knocking on his door and telling him that the Lord Privy Seal wanted to meet with the former prime minister
******************

"If Labour wins today can the last person to leave Britain please turn off the lights?"
- The Sun newspaper on the prospect of a Labour government
****************

“It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death.”
- Mark Twain on Jane Austen
****************

"One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.”
- Oscar Wilde on Dicken's The Old Curiosity Shop

He is a man suffering from petrified adolescence.
  - Aneurin Bevan (about Winston Churchill)

He would kill his own mother just so that he could use her skin to make a drum to beat his own praises.
  - Margot Asquith (about Winston Churchill)

I thought he was a young man of promise; but it appears he was a young man of promises.
- Arthur Balfour (about Winston Churchill)

Winston has devoted the best years of his life to preparing his impromptu speeches.
-  F. E. Smith (about Winston Churchill)

One could not even dignify him with the name of stuffed shirt. He was simply a hole on the air.
- George Orwell (about Stanley Baldwin, British PM from 1935 to 1937)

. . . a pig, an ass, a dunghill, the spawn of an adder, a basilisk, a lying buffoon, a mad fool with a frothy mouth.
- Martin Luther (about Henry VIII)

The plain truth is, that he was a most intolerable ruffian, a disgrace to human nature, and a blot of blood and grease upon the history of England.
  - Charles Dickens (about Henry VIII)

A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, and gifted with an egotistical imagination that can at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of arguments to malign an opponent and to glorify himself.
  - Benjamin Disraeli (about William Gladstone)

I don't see where the put down is Peter, at least not in the generally accepted sense.

bogarde73 wrote on Feb 14^th, 2014 at 9:36am:


I think Granny Herald was putting down the NZLP.

Just a thought, maybe I'm wrong......

Some Country Party Hack:

I am a country member.

Whitlam, interjecting “We remember.”