Australian Politics Forum - Dear Dorothy Dix

Rosie

Full Member

Offline

Posts: 212
Gender: female

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #30 - Apr 15^th, 2014 at 10:00am

cods wrote on Apr 15^th, 2014 at 9:36am:

Sprintcyclist wrote on Mar 27^th, 2014 at 9:33pm:

cods wrote on Mar 27^th, 2014 at 5:56pm:

greggerypeccary wrote on Mar 27^th, 2014 at 2:39pm:

Neferti wrote on Mar 26^th, 2014 at 4:27pm:

Dear Dorothy,

My husband won't do his own washing and ironing.

Whose washing and ironing does he do?

this is one of lifes problems Nef...

if only men realised if they did more and females did less..life would be far more interesting in the boudoir... they will never learn..

back to the headaches.

dear Dorothy,
why do women often tell these fibs ?

that is just not true.. men have trouble dealing with reality..

.Father Knows Best has a lot to answer for...wifey waiting at the door with the g & T dressed to thrill... is not reality...and never was...

You mean to tell me I've got it wrong for all these years Sad

Back to top

IP Logged

austranger

Gold Member

Offline

Opinionated Sod

Posts: 1506
adelaide
Gender: male

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #31 - Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:27pm

I got custody of my three kids when my daughter, the youngest, was just 18mths old (two older brothers). Her mother went off and was never heard from again. No child support, no Chrissy or B'day cards or presents, nada. I always told the kids that their mother loved them but we couldn't get along, so, as I had a huge loving family and she didn't(true) she'd left them with me to raise. It seemed a harmless lie at the time and I didn't want to be one of those blokes who dump on the kids about their ex, that's always struck me as weak, and destructive.
When my daughter was about 20 I helped her track down her mother, but when she went to visit the (*#^%*#) "woman" she shut the door in her face and told her never to contact her again. It broke my daughters heart, it turned out she'd always had a dream of finding Mum and they'd naturally love each other and become Besties.
Now my daughter blames ME and refuses to talk to me or see me.
How can I deal with this? I'm being patient and trying to be understanding but now it's my heart that's breaking.
Sometimes I wish I was still a violent man and could go and do something nasty to my ex, but I'm not and won't, I couldn't betray everything I ever taught my kids like that.
Any sensible advice would be appreciated.

Back to top

Any day with a smile in it is a good day

IP Logged

ian

Gold Member

Offline

OzPolitic

Posts: 9451

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #32 - Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:34pm

austranger wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:27pm:

I got custody of my three kids when my daughter, the youngest, was just 18mths old (two older brothers). Her mother went off and was never heard from again. No child support, no Chrissy or B'day cards or presents, nada. I always told the kids that their mother loved them but we couldn't get along, so, as I had a huge loving family and she didn't(true) she'd left them with me to raise. It seemed a harmless lie at the time and I didn't want to be one of those blokes who dump on the kids about their ex, that's always struck me as weak, and destructive.
When my daughter was about 20 I helped her track down her mother, but when she went to visit the (*#^%*#) "woman" she shut the door in her face and told her never to contact her again. It broke my daughters heart, it turned out she'd always had a dream of finding Mum and they'd naturally love each other and become Besties.
Now my daughter blames ME and refuses to talk to me or see me.
How can I deal with this? I'm being patient and trying to be understanding but now it's my heart that's breaking.
Sometimes I wish I was still a violent man and could go and do something nasty to my ex, but I'm not and won't, I couldn't betray everything I ever taught my kids like that.
Any sensible advice would be appreciated.

write a letter to your daughter telling her why you did what you did, be completely honest. then keep sending her letters every now and then. She may read your letters, she may not. She may answer you, she may not. Your relationship with your daughter may be completey broken or it may not, confrontation will not help.

Back to top

IP Logged

austranger

Gold Member

Offline

Opinionated Sod

Posts: 1506
adelaide
Gender: male

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #33 - Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:47pm

ian wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:34pm:

austranger wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:27pm:

I got custody of my three kids when my daughter, the youngest, was just 18mths old (two older brothers). Her mother went off and was never heard from again. No child support, no Chrissy or B'day cards or presents, nada. I always told the kids that their mother loved them but we couldn't get along, so, as I had a huge loving family and she didn't(true) she'd left them with me to raise. It seemed a harmless lie at the time and I didn't want to be one of those blokes who dump on the kids about their ex, that's always struck me as weak, and destructive.
When my daughter was about 20 I helped her track down her mother, but when she went to visit the (*#^%*#) "woman" she shut the door in her face and told her never to contact her again. It broke my daughters heart, it turned out she'd always had a dream of finding Mum and they'd naturally love each other and become Besties.
Now my daughter blames ME and refuses to talk to me or see me.
How can I deal with this? I'm being patient and trying to be understanding but now it's my heart that's breaking.
Sometimes I wish I was still a violent man and could go and do something nasty to my ex, but I'm not and won't, I couldn't betray everything I ever taught my kids like that.
Any sensible advice would be appreciated.

write a letter to your daughter telling her why you did what you did, be completely honest. then keep sending her letters every now and then. She may read your letters, she may not. She may answer you, she may not. Your relationship with your daughter may be completey broken or it may not, confrontation will not help.

Thanks, but been there done that, and she just rips them up. It's been a couple of years now and she's always been a stubborn person, a trait I used to admire in her. I haven't confronted her at all, ever, I knew that would only make matters much worse, if that were possible. As I said, I'm being patient, as best I can anyway, but as time goes on with no resolution it's wearing me down emotionally, and it's already causing difficulties with her brothers, she refused to attend one's wedding and now refuses to be a part of the birth of his first kid, my first G'kid.
God, she's reminding me of her mother these days, not something I enjoy thinking, AT ALL!

Back to top

Any day with a smile in it is a good day

IP Logged

ian

Gold Member

Offline

OzPolitic

Posts: 9451

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #34 - Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:55pm

I sympathise enormously, I have been through personal tragedy my own self and know how it feels. i was given the letter advice in regards to my own daughter although in rather different circumstances to yours and shamefully didnt follow through on it, I was never good at opening up emotionally although that was no excuse. Tragedy resulted and I carry heavy personal guilt around which cannot be absolved. There isnt a day when I dont cry for my daughter. You sound like you are a good human being and from what you say you have done your best for your kids, probably more than most would have. I hope it works out for you.

Back to top

IP Logged

Sprintcyclist

Gold Member

Offline

OzPolitic

Posts: 40772
Gender: male

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #35 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 12:05am

austranger wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:27pm:

I got custody of my three kids when my daughter, the youngest, was just 18mths old (two older brothers). Her mother went off and was never heard from again. No child support, no Chrissy or B'day cards or presents, nada. I always told the kids that their mother loved them but we couldn't get along, so, as I had a huge loving family and she didn't(true) she'd left them with me to raise. It seemed a harmless lie at the time and I didn't want to be one of those blokes who dump on the kids about their ex, that's always struck me as weak, and destructive.
When my daughter was about 20 I helped her track down her mother, but when she went to visit the (*#^%*#) "woman" she shut the door in her face and told her never to contact her again. It broke my daughters heart, it turned out she'd always had a dream of finding Mum and they'd naturally love each other and become Besties.
Now my daughter blames ME and refuses to talk to me or see me.
How can I deal with this? I'm being patient and trying to be understanding but now it's my heart that's breaking.
Sometimes I wish I was still a violent man and could go and do something nasty to my ex, but I'm not and won't, I couldn't betray everything I ever taught my kids like that.
Any sensible advice would be appreciated.

Like mother, like daughter.
daughter is now a grownup, let her be.

Back to top

Modern Classic Right Wing

IP Logged

austranger

Gold Member

Offline

Opinionated Sod

Posts: 1506
adelaide
Gender: male

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #36 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 12:30am

Sprintcyclist wrote on Apr 25^th, 2014 at 12:05am:

austranger wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:27pm:

I got custody of my three kids when my daughter, the youngest, was just 18mths old (two older brothers). Her mother went off and was never heard from again. No child support, no Chrissy or B'day cards or presents, nada. I always told the kids that their mother loved them but we couldn't get along, so, as I had a huge loving family and she didn't(true) she'd left them with me to raise. It seemed a harmless lie at the time and I didn't want to be one of those blokes who dump on the kids about their ex, that's always struck me as weak, and destructive.
When my daughter was about 20 I helped her track down her mother, but when she went to visit the (*#^%*#) "woman" she shut the door in her face and told her never to contact her again. It broke my daughters heart, it turned out she'd always had a dream of finding Mum and they'd naturally love each other and become Besties.
Now my daughter blames ME and refuses to talk to me or see me.
How can I deal with this? I'm being patient and trying to be understanding but now it's my heart that's breaking.
Sometimes I wish I was still a violent man and could go and do something nasty to my ex, but I'm not and won't, I couldn't betray everything I ever taught my kids like that.
Any sensible advice would be appreciated.

Like mother, like daughter.
daughter is now a grownup, let her be.

Harsh, but more or less exactly what I am doing. I live in hope of a reconciliation though, somehow, someday. Was my lie so bad that I deserve this? I feel I'm being punished for the B***s heartlessness.
I realise the Universe isn't fair, but this really sucks, bigtime. I even gave up my career so I could be a full-time Mr Mum for them, but never really regret that, not even now, it was MY choice. I once even went to a Mother/daughter night at her Girl Guides because she insisted, and got ribbons in my hair and beard, lipstick, eye-shadow, the flamin LOT, lol. You should have seen the reactions I got, both there and the next day at the supermarket with the remnants still visible on my face! Cheesy

Back to top

Any day with a smile in it is a good day

IP Logged

austranger

Gold Member

Offline

Opinionated Sod

Posts: 1506
adelaide
Gender: male

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #37 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 12:33am

ian wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:55pm:

I sympathise enormously, I have been through personal tragedy my own self and know how it feels. i was given the letter advice in regards to my own daughter although in rather different circumstances to yours and shamefully didnt follow through on it, I was never good at opening up emotionally although that was no excuse. Tragedy resulted and I carry heavy personal guilt around which cannot be absolved. There isnt a day when I dont cry for my daughter. You sound like you are a good human being and from what you say you have done your best for your kids, probably more than most would have. I hope it works out for you.

Thankyou, and my sorrow for your grief, and may time heal those wounds for you, or at least lessen the pain eventually.

Back to top

Any day with a smile in it is a good day

IP Logged

Annie Anthrax Gold Member Offline Take the plan, spin it sideways Posts: 7057 Gender:	Re: Dear Dorothy Dix Reply #38 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 4:56pm Here comes that "woman's perspective" that you asked for: It sounds like you did all the right things. Your daughter's young and selfish - pretty normal. Her perspective might change when she has her own children - here's hoping. Go on with enjoying your life - you've earnt it.
Back to top	I can't do this, but I'm doing it anyway. IP Logged

The Mole

Gold Member

Offline

http://www.ozpolitic
.co/album/forum-atta
chments/y

Posts: 1499
Gender: female

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #39 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 6:18pm

Annie Anthrax wrote on Apr 25^th, 2014 at 4:56pm:

Here comes that "woman's perspective" that you asked for:

It sounds like you did all the right things. Your daughter's young and selfish - pretty normal. Her perspective might change when she has her own children - here's hoping. Go on with enjoying your life - you've earnt it.

I would have to agree with that...they come around in time.

Back to top

« Last Edit: Apr 25^th, 2014 at 7:25pm by The Mole »

"Why Johnny Ringo, you look like someone just walked over your grave"

IP Logged

mantra

Gold Member

Offline

ozpolitic.com

Posts: 10750
Gender: female

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #40 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 7:28pm

austranger wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:27pm:

When my daughter was about 20 I helped her track down her mother, but when she went to visit the (*#^%*#) "woman" she shut the door in her face and told her never to contact her again. It broke my daughters heart, it turned out she'd always had a dream of finding Mum and they'd naturally love each other and become Besties.
Now my daughter blames ME and refuses to talk to me or see me.
How can I deal with this? I'm being patient and trying to be understanding but now it's my heart that's breaking.
Sometimes I wish I was still a violent man and could go and do something nasty to my ex, but I'm not and won't, I couldn't betray everything I ever taught my kids like that.
Any sensible advice would be appreciated.

Because your daughter is so hurt - she has to blame someone and as you are the parent who has always been there - you're the one who's going to be punished. She is blaming you for choosing her mother.

Unfortunately girls need a mother and when they don't have one - sometimes something goes wrong in their development. They don't have the same self esteem as other females.

austranger wrote on Apr 24^th, 2014 at 11:47pm:

God, she's reminding me of her mother these days, not something I enjoy thinking, AT ALL!

If you haven't had a good relationship with your ex - one child always seems to remind you of him/her when the parent/child relationship is a bit rocky. It's best to try and get out of that mindset and concentrate on how you can reach out to her - because you will have to do that. She might be too emotionally frail to think logically.

She might rip your letters up - but maybe you could occasionally send her a loving card and write a few endearing words which might start the healing process. You don't have to write anything profound - just remind her that she has a father who loves her. Take tiny steps towards her.

It's worth a try and doesn't take much effort. No matter how difficult our children can be - we have to give them unconditional love and not expect anything back in return. If we do get something back - it's a bonus.

Back to top

IP Logged

Sophia

Gold Member

Offline

Posts: 8620

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #41 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 11:27pm

The Mole wrote on Apr 25^th, 2014 at 6:18pm:

Annie Anthrax wrote on Apr 25^th, 2014 at 4:56pm:

Here comes that "woman's perspective" that you asked for:

It sounds like you did all the right things. Your daughter's young and selfish - pretty normal. Her perspective might change when she has her own children - here's hoping. Go on with enjoying your life - you've earnt it.

I would have to agree with that...they come around in time.

That age, in girls, is such a hard headed age, it seems.
Been through all that, and wondered if they would ever change, but the good news is, in time, even more than a couple of years, they do come around in time.
Usually about age 24, when maturity sets in a bit.

I remember once watching Detective Columbo, and there was something in the show that was in the script, I just never forgot. It seemed that someone had died (as there is always a death in Columbo's shows!), the person that was suffering and wanted to know who did it, didn't know they were having an affair, and at the end, the brother wanted to know if they should tell her of that.
Columbo thought for a while, and then replied..."Sometimes, kindness is wiser than truth."

And with that, you can tell your daughter, that you were exercising kindness throughout her whole life, rather than an awful truth. And be sorry she found out her mother was not the loving person you all had hoped for, as she was the one that left you all behind, and her own flesh and blood.

Whatever it is you do, be assured she is taking note of it all.
It will be stored in her memory banks, and then the realization will begin (with maturity).

Never think you have wasted your time with any of your efforts.
You haven't. It's what they call 'tough love'.
It is part of a healing process that will take hold, eventually.

@ Ian, sorry to hear of your heartache. Try not to be so hard on yourself or blame yourself. She would be in a place where she would not wish for you to be so sad.
Remember the better times, and send those feelings to her.
I believe in that.

Back to top

IP Logged

Sophia

Gold Member

Offline

Posts: 8620

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #42 - Apr 25^th, 2014 at 11:38pm

Neferti wrote on Mar 26^th, 2014 at 4:27pm:

Dear Dorothy,

My husband won't do his own washing and ironing. What should I do?

Signed
Exasperated Housewife

Hey Nerfeti, where would these men be without us women that know how to use washing machines and irons?!

Honestly, my other half, I doubt he would even know how to boil an egg!
Lucky for me he doesn't need ironed clothes, he wears overalls to work and those flannel work shirts that no one ever irons anyway.

Maybe get him to do a deal with you, he mows the lawns, takes the garbage out, and in. And you will wash and iron his clothes. I gather you both work. Does he know how to cook a meal?
Perhaps do a roster of who does what during the week/weekends, and then it might look more evened out what chores get done or need doing.

As we had our 38th wedding anniversary yesterday, I might speak of a little experience (ahem!)....well, I will give you a good tip of how to get things done and not forgotten, write a list!

Not too many things on the list, put his name on the top, and 'things to be done' list.

Maybe 2 or 3 things for a start

I even write lists for myself so I don't forget, like tonight, didn't want to forget to bid for a portrait lens for my nikon dslr, and I won it

Put the time to be ebay, on and watched it, with my bid in place.
Otherwise I would have forgotten, and sat in the comfy lounge chair and kept watching The Big Bang Theory Cheesy

Back to top

« Last Edit: Apr 25^th, 2014 at 11:45pm by Sophia »

IP Logged

austranger

Gold Member

Offline

Opinionated Sod

Posts: 1506
adelaide
Gender: male

Re: Dear Dorothy Dix
Reply #43 - Apr 26^th, 2014 at 1:29am

Wow, I really appreciate all that offered advice, and it has reassured me I'm on the right track.
I have been dropping her the odd message occasionally, when I can, to no avail so far, but she did accept a significant gift from me for her 21st, I suppose that's progress of a sort. I'll keep on keeping on, I could never stop loving her no matter what she did, that's only natural for a parent as far as I can see.
My father passed away at Christmas a quite wealthy man, we never got on but he has left me some money anyway, the old B finally got a bit sentimental in his dotage. I've been planning to use some of that to set up some things here for my Mum and step-Dad, she has Parkinsons and he has a failing heart, I'm their carer now, but whatever is left over is going to my Fiddlers Three, so they can get some use from it while still young. I'm hopeful she'll accept her share of that, and take it as a sign I still treasure her, which it is.
So, I remain hopeful, and my blessings on you all for your thoughts on this, because of one thing and another I don't have much of a social life any more and even the support of strangers is highly valued. I hope we'll become not strangers in the future, I opened up here as a gamble and I think I've won that one, bigtime.

Back to top

Any day with a smile in it is a good day

IP Logged