Brothers, Pakistani Railways minister gives $100,000 for the jihad. He say he will kill infidel who make film with his own hands!

Kill him, sir. All the peoples will this great deed, insh’allah. Kill these infidels who insult the Prophet. Kill these men who make film against Gud!

Some things Gud wills, there is nothing you can do. I just wonder one thing. Why you cannot make Lahore Express run on time just once?

Ah ha! the Pakistani government said they do not stand by his statement. They are distancing themselves from him, no, no, no we have nothing to do with this crazy man, but look closer, always a trick up the sleeve. They keep away from him like distance between passenger on Karachi express.

Paki love Amerikan, no.

Ah, Pakistani goverment - what would they know? Pakistani Railways minister has proud career in public service. He keeps many VIP seats reserved on the trains. He does much business. He is important man!

$100000 is nothing for this man. He has killed many with his bare hands.

Sir, I paid for ticket in Punjab! Please to look!

It has curry stain. By law 12b, section C, it is unfit for travel. You must come.

But I do nothing! I love Amerika! I love Mother England! I love Pakistan!

You make trouble. You come.

But sir, what trouble do I make?

Railway law trouble . Breach public order. Argue with Railway Minister. Anyway, I need seat for VIP. Take this man!

Pakistan, my friends, belongs to such men.

Pakistani Railways minister kills infidel with his own hands. You can see on Youtube.

Why you make film that insults Prophet!

I want to avenge Amerika. I want to... ahhh!

Why you say bad things about the Muslim peoples? Speak!

What do I know? I am just a poor rich Jew. I love money, Amerika, Israel... eee!

Who pay you for movie?

I...

Tell!

Amerik... ahhh!

Again!

Mother Eng... eeeh!

Again!

Israel! It was Israel. They make me.

You are stupid!

I know! I am just a poor stupid Jew. I make the movie. I want to make a money.

Israel pay you.

Yes. I... ahhh!

You are a bad man!

I know! I am very bad. I want forgiveness. I want mercy.

You want forgiveness of Muslim peoples?

Yes! I am just a poor greedy Jew, I make a movie. Ahhh!

Never! We cannot forgive! You must be kill!

No! Ehhhh!

Men, watch - I play him like a pipe!

Eeee! Aghhh! Ooooh!

I make him sing!

Amerikaaa! Mother Eeengggg! Israaahhh!

He is gone. Men, take him away. This will teach the Jew to insult Prophet. Let this be a lesson. Allah Uakbar!

Allah Uakbar!

Now, Khan Express. Where is driver?

"Australia has a Prime Minister and Opposition leader who were born in the UK. Why is there silence to their reintroduction of the White Australia Policy and inhuman asylum seeker policies ??!!

Prevailing? Is that you?

Karnal wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2012 at 9:20pm:

Brothers, Pakistani Railways minister gives $100,000 for the jihad. He say he will kill infidel who make film with his own hands! Kill him, sir. All the peoples will this great deed, insh’allah. Kill these infidels who insult the Prophet. Kill these men who make film against Gud! Some things Gud wills, there is nothing you can do. I just wonder one thing. Why you cannot make Lahore Express run on time just once?

If you say the truth could that be considered insulting the prophet?

What does Pbuh mean is it pedophile bastard unworthy human?

Maybe we should do this instead or like south park did by putting a bag over Mo's head.

http://imageshack.us/a/img191/2707/48015299.png

It is true, effende. Wishing peace upon a man is paedophile. We must all love the childrens, isn’t it. You are from Pakistan?

It is good your picture does not show face of the Prophet. Otherwise, Pakistani Railways minister would collect your ticket also.

Sir, it is lovely day for checking tickets, no?

---

What can I do? His ticket had a curry stain, it is haram.

---

Like this, I kill him. With my own hands. He is a very bad man.

Besides, he pull emergency cord. He had to go.

---

It is best to do away with him, sir. Penalty for not smoking on train is 1000 rupee - how can he afford?

---

Hmm - I must write a good tune. Next time I play infidel like a pipe I will put on Youtube. Insh'allah, I will become famous entertainer like the Justin Baba.

---

"Mr Bilour, sahib, please to look! It is the Justin Baba on TV!"

"Him? Ha! What does he do? Does he use pliars? Car battery?"

"No, sahib, but he is very handsome. My daughter love this boy!"

"Then she is deranged. Look at him! He does not even sing, just talk."

"It is the Amerikan style. They try to talk like a black."

"A black?"

"Yes, sir, it is ghetto talk. It is the fashion in Amerika."

"Ghetto?"

"Yes, sahib. It is an Amerikan slum."

"Madness! You want I should look like a boy and sing like a slum?"

"I am just saying, sir. It is the style."

"Turn off this Justin Baba. I have a different style. I cannot do this talking singing. I am more an instrumentalist."

"You can kill a man with your own hands, sir. You can play him like a pipe."

"I have a different brand. It is altogether different market."

"Not the girls like this Baba?"

"Girls, yes. But more sophisticated girls than he. These Amerikans, they love to scream and riot. We Pakistani peoples are much more civilised."

"Yes, sir, it is so. You are an instrumentalist - like accordian player or man who make the glasses sing."

"It is so, but, insh’allah, I must make a movie like the Baba. It is good for TV. Internet also."

"This, sir, we can do. We make a movie. You have an instrument already?"

"Bah, I can get one man who don’t have ticket. This is Pakistan!"

"It is so. Ha ha."

"Ha ha."

"Ha ha ha. Ah, sahib, you are a jolly man!"

"I make good entertainer, no? Like this Baba on TV."

"Sir, when we finish our work, you will be on cable in Amerika!"

"Internet also."

"Ah, yes, it will be."

"Internet, TV. Soon, all shall know Pakistani Railways. All over the worlds, peoples will say, Pakistan is number one. Good railways, good men."

"They will come, sahib. They will spend many Amerikan dollars."

"We will gets many customers. Many tickets they will buy."

"It is genius."

"And many more instruments I can play. Maybe Jew, maybe even Amerikan."

"Amerikan?"

"Who knows? Gud is great."

"Yes, sir. Gud is great. Maybe we start with a Pakistani just to be safe."

"Sure, no problem. Ah! Punjabi Mail is coming soon. I will do a check."

"Aha. You can do. Get instrument. Make him sing."

"I need to keep my practice. It is not easy!"

Where can I pick up my $100,000?

adelcrow wrote on Sep 25^th, 2012 at 7:27pm:

Where can I pick up my $100,000?

You have this blasphemer? You must give! Please to send stamped, self-addressed envelope to:

Ghulam Ahmad Bilour Sahib
Pakistan Railways Headquarters
Empress Road, Davis Road
Lahore, Punjab 54000
Pakistan

Coming events: an evening of musical pleasure with Ghulam Ahmad Bilour Sahib (as seen on Youtube).

WATCH as he plays a man like a pipe!

HEAR their musical cries!

THRILL at the musical genius of this great man!

Coming soon to Lahore Conference Centre.

---

In the news

Pakistani Railways Minister, Ghulam Ahmad Bilour (pictured), announced his new foray into musical performance at a press conference in Lahore yesterday. When asked if he can sing and dance, the cabinet minister said he would prefer to be seen as an instrumentalist. "I am like an accordion player or a man who makes glasses sing," he said. "The only trick is, I use real men. Ticket evaders, mainly."

Mr Bilour will not be giving up his day job as Railways Minister. "I will keep my current post. I will work nights, largely in clubs and conference rooms around the country."

Mr Bilour says that his act is more than just a one-of-a-kind novelty performance. "Brahms, Beethoven, all I can play. I also do some contemporary numbers. I love music of Burt Bacharach."

Catch Mr Bilour's act at the Lahore Conference Centre next month.

---

Railways Minister,, Ghulam Ahmad Bilour Sahib, demonstrates his musical technique at a press conference at Lahore.

---

"You can see my act at the Lahore Conference Centre next month. Now, if there are no further questions..."

---

Mr Bilour Sahib's instruments wait for their chance to work with the great man.

---

Catch Mr Bilour's act at the Lahore Conference Centre next month
..............................................................

Next month you say? I must be coming to see this performance. Can I get the package deal? send the ticket for travel on Islamabad Express, wish to take amazing trip, see beautiful country and eat and singing at Lahore station then visit Mr Bilour music, what you say extravaganza no?

My frien can you make front row seat available for me, he will play the  sahb  for the pulling and stretching, and the naqr  for the plucking and hammering, Ah! many ways to perform the concerto.

"Ah, Hamed, you old dog! Why you don't come to Pakistan and travel on my trains?"

Ghulam Ahmad Bilour is triumphant after his international press conference. Karzai is not amused.

"Bilour, I have other things on my hands - you know this." Karzai pauses, glares at his adviser and speaks back into the phone". "What do you want?"

"Hamed, you are normally a friendly fellow. I will dismiss your abruptness. I have come with an offer."

"Offer? Kabesh! What do you have to give? Train trip to Afghan border? Thank you - I would rather fly."

"No, Hamed, we do not let Afghanis travel free on our trains, you should know that. I reserve my seats for VIPs only."

"Kabesh! You Pakistani..."

"Wait, Hamed, I think you will want to hear my offer. Listen very carefully. Your Green Zone, you have entertainers for the Amerikan troops?"

"What? How should I know this. You are a very foolish man, Bilour. You..."

"You have Doris Day come to your country?"

Karzai stops in his tracks. "What?"

"Doris Day, Hamed. I can get. I am backing her with my instrument."

"You? You dare to insult Doris Day! You could not back Doris Day with one of your trains! Jackal! Lying dog! Blasphem..."

"Wait, Hamed, I already speak with her agent in the Hollywood. She thinks my idea is genius. She wants to perform for Amerikan boys in Afghanistan. It is part of the deal."

"Doris Day? She wants to come? What you say to her?"

"Nothing more than I can give, Hamed. Full Pakistani orchestra with myself playing a man like a pipe. I will be featured artist."

"Bilour, you are mad!"

"Not so mad to get Doris Day for one-time special concert in Afghanistan. Mrs Day, you see, wants to play for her boys."

Karzai is transfixed. "What will she sing? April in Paris? Baby Doll? Music from South Pacific?"

"All this, Hamed. And more. She will sing, and I will accompany her with my instrument - a man I will play with my hands like a pipe!"

"Kabesh! You are insane, Bilour!"

"Blue Moon, Happy Talk, I'm in the mood for love..."

"Alright! She can come. You, they will need to issue visa. You can go to consulate and apply."

"Full VIP, Hamed. Diplomatic entry for myself, my men, my instrument..."

"Your instrument?"

"Highly-tuned Pakistani instrument. A man I will play like a beautiful pipe. I use car battery, it is most effective."

Karzai is incredulous, but his curiosity gets the better of him. "Instrument can play Romance in high C?"

"If wired up properly, instrument can do. Major fifths, rhumba, cha cha cha, all."

"Your men will be searched for weapons, Bilour. The Amerikans..."

"No weapons searches, no conditions. It is pay or play, Hamed. If you want Doris Day, you must take all."

Karzai looks up at his adviser and gestures him to leave the office. He speaks conspiratorially into the phone.

"Alright, you can come. But I must meet her. I must make sure that she is the real thing and not a fake."

"She is real, Hamed, you will see."

"No impersonators, I will not have."

"You can meet her. It will be a fine opportunity for photos. Fox News will show for sure - Rupert Murdoch loves this lady!"

"The Amerikans? Hmph. I need Al Jazeera."

"You can get. All will want to see Pakistani Railways minister play a man like a pipe. It is good entertainment, Hamed. It is good news."

"And the Amerikans will love Doris Day! Alright, Bilour, you can come. But I will send a plane! You come on your trains and you will never arrive."

"Now now, Hamed, you old dog. At least Pakistan has a railway. Afghanistan is lucky to have a bus!"

"You Pakistani cheater! Jackal! Arseflower of Mother England!"

"Peace, Hamed. We are brothers, remember. Brothers in Gud. And Doris Day is our mother."

Enough! Karzai hangs up in Bilour's ear. Pakistan and Afghanistan brothers in Gud? It is too ridiculous even to think. Of course the photos will show the two men happy and smiling, resplendent in the glow of Doris Day, performing for the Amerikan boys. Doris Day in a silver ballgown. Doris Day singing Happy Talk. Doris Day whispering in Karzai's ear, her hand on Karzai's arm, the two of them dancing, laughing, drinking champagne...

In Afghanistan, it is true. Life is hard. But sometimes, just sometimes, fate can smile and be kind.

Tonight, Karzai will thank the Angel of Darkness. The question, however, is whether to wank and think of Doris Day first, or after?

Keep reading, friends, and you will see.

Karnal wrote on Sep 25^th, 2012 at 10:59am:

It is best to do away with him, sir. Penalty for not smoking on train is 1000 rupee - how can he afford?

Ah!! Old head injury. Explains a lot.

And that soup strainer. Barber!!! Baaarbeeeer!!!

Soren wrote on Sep 26^th, 2012 at 5:41pm:

Karnal wrote on Sep 25th, 2012 at 10:59am: It is best to do away with him, sir. Penalty for not smoking on train is 1000 rupee - how can he afford? Ah!! Old head injury. Explains a lot. And that soup strainer. Barber!!! Baaarbeeeer!!!

Yes, it is true. Sometimes, in the course of his duties, Ghulam Ahmad Bilour has been known to receive the odd injury. Sometimes they struggle and fight. It is the penalty of selfless public service.

But the rewards, I am sure you will agree, are worth the effort. Mr Bilour Sahib is an artist. In the depths of the Pakistani Railways building in Lahore, an imposing example of high Victorian gothic splendour, Mr Bilour makes beautiful music for all.

"Eeeh!"

"I cannot hear!"

"Eeeeeeehh!"

"That’s better. Remember, from the diaphragm."

Ex Dame Pansi wrote on Sep 26^th, 2012 at 4:46pm:

Catch Mr Bilour's act at the Lahore Conference Centre next month .............................................................. Next month you say? I must be coming to see this performance. Can I get the package deal? send the ticket for travel on Islamabad Express, wish to take amazing trip, see beautiful country and eat and singing at Lahore station then visit Mr Bilour music, what you say extravaganza no? My frien can you make front row seat available for me, he will play the  sahb  for the pulling and stretching, and the naqr  for the plucking and hammering, Ah! many ways to perform the concerto.

We will reserve VIP seat on train. You are Amerikan? Mr Bilour Sahib would like to meet in his dressing room after the show.

Er, you don’t know Doris Day, do you dear? She is from your good country. Please to bring along if it is her wish.

Karnal wrote on Sep 27^th, 2012 at 9:28am:

Ex Dame Pansi wrote on Sep 26th, 2012 at 4:46pm: Catch Mr Bilour's act at the Lahore Conference Centre next month .............................................................. Next month you say? I must be coming to see this performance. Can I get the package deal? send the ticket for travel on Islamabad Express, wish to take amazing trip, see beautiful country and eat and singing at Lahore station then visit Mr Bilour music, what you say extravaganza no? My frien can you make front row seat available for me, he will play the  sahb  for the pulling and stretching, and the naqr  for the plucking and hammering, Ah! many ways to perform the concerto. We will reserve VIP seat on train. You are Amerikan? Mr Bilour Sahib would like to meet in his dressing room after the show. Er, you don’t know Doris Day, do you dear? She is from your good country. Please to bring along if it is her wish.

No my frien I am not from the Amerika but my country she good frien with big top peoples in Amerika, what you say? close like the flees of a camel no?

I prefer to meet Mr Bilour Sahib in private. See if you can arrange for my good frien Imran to join us. Does he have five star cabin on the train? I think he might get very angry listening to Doris Day, Pakistani man not like the screaming woman, is hard on ears.

Must hear more from you about playing this man who offend your peoples.

Ex Dame Pansi wrote on Sep 27^th, 2012 at 9:45am:

Karnal wrote on Sep 27th, 2012 at 9:28am: Ex Dame Pansi wrote on Sep 26th, 2012 at 4:46pm: Catch Mr Bilour's act at the Lahore Conference Centre next month .............................................................. Next month you say? I must be coming to see this performance. Can I get the package deal? send the ticket for travel on Islamabad Express, wish to take amazing trip, see beautiful country and eat and singing at Lahore station then visit Mr Bilour music, what you say extravaganza no? My frien can you make front row seat available for me, he will play the  sahb  for the pulling and stretching, and the naqr  for the plucking and hammering, Ah! many ways to perform the concerto. We will reserve VIP seat on train. You are Amerikan? Mr Bilour Sahib would like to meet in his dressing room after the show. Er, you don’t know Doris Day, do you dear? She is from your good country. Please to bring along if it is her wish. No my frien I am not from the Amerika but my country she good frien with big top peoples in Amerika, what you say? close like the flees of a camel no? I prefer to meet Mr Bilour Sahib in private. See if you can arrange for my good frien Imran to join us. Does he have five star cabin on the train? I think he might get very angry listening to Doris Day, Pakistani man not like the screaming woman, is hard on ears. Must hear more from you about playing this man who offend your peoples.

Ah, this man is expire. He had accident in Pakistani Railways building in Lahore, it is very sad.

You can meet the great Ghulam Ahmad Bilour after show. Please be aware there is strict protocol to follow. You will be briefed. No weapons, remove shoes, bring a scarf to place around great man's neck. It is the custom.

Er, maybe you can contact Mrs Day and invite. We would love to have her as our guest.

Karnal-

I hear the Packers are going to name their next child 'Fudge" out of respect for you.

What are your thoughts on that Politician Imran Khan, is he any good or was he better at cricket?

Ah, Mr Barron, this is a great honourr, both for myself and my country.

Imran Khan is a great cricketer. He is very famous in Pakistan. He is lile your own Mr Abbott, no?

those trains need to run a little more freequently.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EV8ge6QstYY/UCpRGFL5PFI/AAAAAAAAAsc/fV3RQ4MiHQY/s1600/about-pakistan.jpg

and this is first class.

Hmm - not one fare evader on the whole train. Tomorrow I will cancel. That will show them.

---

When the trains are cancelled and you have to walk along the tracks - whatever you do, don't go barefoot.

Carefully, Karzai lays out his props next to the toilet: a white hand towel, a tub of ghee, and an LP, The Doris Day Christmas Album. On the cover, Mrs Day wears a fur coat and smiles at a Wintry sky. Karzai can barely hold himself back.

Just as he is about to begin, the Angel appears.

"Kabe..."

"My child, what are you doing?"

"I..."

"Cover yourself, child. I have work to discuss."

"Yes, mother." Karzai covers himself with the towel. "Er, you can't come back a little..."

"Kabesh! What are you doing with this record?"

Karzai avoids the subject of Doris Day and reads from the cover. "Er... it is jolly album of Christmas songs. White Christmas, Winter Wonderland, Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! it has all. Arrangements by..."

"Put this down, child."  The Angel gets to business. "You speak with Ghulam Ahmad Bilour?"

Karzai is dismissive. "Him? He wants to come to Kabul. But do not worry, Mother. Check points have been notified. That jackal won't make it onto Afghan soil."

"No, child, he must come. He is doing our work."

"Bilour? But, Mother, he is mad!"

"This might be so, but Gud works in such men. He must come to Kabul."

"Oh, Mother, I will have to..." Like all leaders, Karzai never likes rescinding an order. But like all, he must defer to the Higher Authority. "Alright!"

The Angel, it seems, has orders too. "His men also. They must be allowed to play in the Green Zone."

"But, Mother, the Amerikans..."

"Do not worry about Amerikans. It is fixed. Amerikans will have wonderful entertainment with featured artist."

"Doris Day?"

"Mr Bilour."

Bilour? "But what of Doris Day, Mother? That snake promised me..."

"My dear child..." The Angel pauses, feeling for Karzai. "Doris Day is 98 years old. How can she come?"

Karzai stops. He stares into space, then at the record, and back into space again. He does not know what to say.

The Angel is sympathetic. "It is an old record, my son."

Karzai remembers Bilour's promise. "That Bilour! The dirty..."

"Now, child, he is acting under orders. Fate has not yet been made. Insh'allah, it is in all our hands."

Karzai stares at the record. "98. How can it be?"

"Time, my child. It rules all men. Women and children also."

"But, Mother..."

"Bilour must come, my child. We must make our fate."

"But that Bilour..."

"Gud is kind. Together, we must all make history."

"Mother, please..."

But the Angel is gone.

98? It could not be. Doris Day is timeless. Karzai has seen all her films. And yet, there is something ageless about her also. At 30, Doris Day might have been 98. So at 98...

Karzai pulls up his pajamas and flushes the toilet. The mood is gone. Still, Karzai has hope. Bilour has promised him Doris Day. The Angel has made him take Bilour. Yes, Karzai will let him come, but there will be conditions. He must meet the woman Bilour calls Doris Day, and he will ask her everything she knows: what was Rock Hudson like? How did she feel when her husband-manager ran off with the money? How did she get into animal welfare? How did she prepare for the role of Calamity Jane?

Yes, Karzai will do his research well. He will be like Barbara Walters. And if that Pakistani snake Bilour tries to double-cross him, he will have his ticket cancelled. Permanently.

Stay reading, friends. Karzai has much work to do.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/series/dictator-lit

Soren wrote on Sep 28^th, 2012 at 10:56am:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/series/dictator-lit

Some good titles there Soren, but they don't tell us about Mrs Doris Day and if she can visit Mr Karzai.

At 98 years of age, will she travel the length and breadth of Afghanistan and Pakistan to appease the whims of these great men?

Whims? Kabesh! History is made on such whims. Nixon and Mao, Churchill and Roosevelt, Disraeli and Bismark, all.

Jane Fonda met with the Viet Kong. Joan of Arc met the Duke of Alencon. Cleopatra met with Anthony. History is built on such meetings. Is it chance, or is it destiny?

Why could Doris Day not meet with Karzai and sing for her boys?

Karzai is an optimist by nature. Insh'allah, to rule Afghanistan, you have to be.

Yes, 98 is old, it is true. The choice for karzai is whether he can still think of Doris Day when he wanks.

"Doris Day? No, Hamed, I haven’t heard anything."

Garry is on his second bottle of Canadian Club. As the CIA station chief for Kabul, Garry’s work day does not end and turn into night. For Garry, all time is work.

For Karzai, it is the other way around. As president, he must make his own work. Usually, however, Karzai’s work comes to him.

"Kabesh! That Bilour, he promise me. Doris Day  in Kabul. Sell out show for one night only. In the Green Zone."

"Bilour? The Railways Minister in Pakistan? What are you doing talking to him?"

"Ah, Garry, I am a fool. This man, he comes to me with his act. You know, I am genius. I am featured artist. I play men like a pipe. I say he can play here."

"What? Have you run that little scheme past Petreus yet?"

"Well, Garry, I thought maybe you can ask. Just to try!"

"Me? What’s in it for us?"

"It is great show, Garry. Full Pakistani orchestra they have. And Bilour himself - although I have never cared personally for the man - plays a man with car battery. It is good entertainment for all."

"Well, the car battery’s a nice touch. High culture, eh?"

"Perhaps it is more cabaret. I have not seen the show."

"And where does Doris Day fit into  all this?"

"Ah, Garry, how can she come? Apparently she is 98 years old!"

"Bilour promised you Doris Day?"

"Yes!"

"And you believed him?"

"He was very convincing!"

"Hamed, I’ve been in this region for almost half a century. And I’ll never understand the way you guys run this place."

"Honour, Garry, it is run on honour. That is why Bilour should be, how to say, taken out. He is a cheat."

"Not by me, Hamed. It’s not my zone. Look, I’ll speak to Petreus. I’ll try to get the nod for a security clearance. Thing is though, a Pakistani orchestra isn’t going to go down too well with the boys."

"Yes, Garry - this is why he promises Doris Day. They will love her! All will come!"

"If she came, they’d be ordered to come. The generals love that woman."

"Exactly!"

"Alright, I’ll see what I can do."

"Thank you, Garry!"

"Don’t thank me yet. Bilour’s not the most popular politician in the Green Zone right now. All that free publicity is giving Washington a headache."

"Ah, Garry, I am ignorant of your ways. I, for one, will never understand how you Amerikans run your place."

"Easy, Hamed. It’s run on publicity. The art of public relations."

"Ah, Garry, I have so much to learn!"

This trip is beyond Doris Day, the heat will kill her.

Ask Karzai if he like another act, is very good. Amerika, she have many beautiful voices. The boys will love. Kate Perry she is not what some people say, the true old fashion propaganda whore, she Amerikan idol.

http://www.setyoufreenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/katy-perry-army-propaganda.jpg

Amerikan idol? Hmm. Does she do Romance in High C?  I’m in the Mood for Love?  Gonna Wash that Man (Right out of my Hairs)?

Doris Day sings for her boys. With special guest,  Ghulam Ahmad Bilour and his orchestra.

---

Mr Bilour prepares for each performance with mental strengthening exercises.

---

Adobe Acrobat Update Sparks Violent Protests In Muslim World

Scores of people were injured Saturday in clashes with police as protests continued in the Muslim world against the most recent Adobe Acrobat update, downloaded Friday to one of the region's fifteen computers. Released by an American-based software company, the update allegedly provided "critical fixes improving security, stability and performance," while also addressing a number of "high priority bugs," which many in the Muslim world see as an insult to their way of life.

"Why are Americans always telling us that we need an update?" an imam addressed a raging crowd of followers in Bangladesh's capital, Dhaka. "The very suggestion that we need a 'critical fix' to improve the 'handling of errors' is yet another example of America's arrogance. Our system is superior to theirs and any suggestion that it 'misses a plug-in' is an imperialist attempt to impose their blasphemous lifestyle on true believers."
~
In Pakistan, a Cabinet minister offered a $100,000 reward for the death of Adobe Acrobat, urging the Taliban and al-Qaida to perform the "sacred duty" of helping locate and kill the "blasphemous contortionist."

"Their insinuation that our system may be somehow 'riddled with bugs' is a blasphemy punishable by death," Minister Ghulam Ahmad Balor told the reporters. "How else, if not by killing people, can we demonstrate to the world that our system cannot be improved because it is already perfect? It was designed by Prophet Mohammed (PBUH), and no Adobe Updater can ever update that."

Following his announcement, a peaceful but angry crowd of more than 1,500 people, including women and children, marched through Islamabad's streets towards National Circus, where they rounded up and killed more than 20 local acrobats taking refuge inside the building. Police and witnesses said dozens of clowns and other circus workers were injured.

http://peoplescube.virtualestates.netdna-cdn.com/images/Muslim_Protest_Acrobat_Behead.jpg

http://peoplescube.virtualestates.netdna-cdn.com/images/Muslim_Protest_Acrobat_Prophet.jpg

http://peoplescube.virtualestates.netdna-cdn.com/peoples_resource/image/16024-AdobeProtest.jpg

http://peoplescube.virtualestates.netdna-cdn.com/images/Muslim_Protest_Fist_Insult.jpg
Karnals' Krew.

My frien, it is nice you post good things about Pakistan. We must have a balanced picture, no?

Mr Bilour Sahib has considerable talent as an instrumentalist. He is on the international stage when it comes to arts and cultures - just another world class export from my fine country.

Much like your cheese, isn’t it.

Why you don’t buy ticket?

I... aggghh!

Someone tell you not to buy ticket? Who?

Er,... eeeehh!

It was station master in Lahore, yes? Speak!

No, I don’t have money.  It is a simple matter of finances. I try...

Lies! It was station master at Lahore, I know. That man is a snake. He try to poison me with his tea!

No, it was not this man. It... Argghhh!

Are you saying I am a cheater?

No!

Then sign statement. Station master at Lahore tell you not to buy ticket for reserved seat and breach Pakistani Railways Act of 1903, Section 9A.

But why would station master tell me to not buy ticket? It does not make sense.

Sense? You want sense? Guard, raise voltage by ten. I want to make some sense.

No! I am just saying - who would believe?

Make it twenty.

But...

Now. I give you sense. This is Pakistan. I am Railways Minister - a cabinet position. You are unemployed ticket cheat, correct? If I want Lahore station master fingered, I will do. And you will help, understand? Good. That Lahore station master is a very bad man. The garden at Lahore is in a terrible state. He never returns my calls very quickly. He’s plotting something, I know. Question is what?

Jihad?

No. I’d have to promote him if that were the case.

Plot against India?

Too popular.

Riot against movie?

You want this man to take my job?

I can’t think.

Aha! A government coup!

You will need other ringleaders.

Of course! It is perfect. Marvellous idea. We can clear out some dead wood from the railways - some sleepers. Thank you for your help.

You are most welcome, sahib.

Now...

Aggggghhhh!

Higher - And I want vibrato.

Eeeeeeehhhh!

Ah, no good. I hate the talkers. They are useless as instruments.

He is gone, Sahib?

Just about. Finish him off for me. I have to find plotters. I want Lahore station master as instrument for my Kabul show.

Ah, you want the best, Sahib.

Of course. I’ll show Karzai. How many high ranking, well-connected instruments does he have?

None, Sahib.

Exactly.

Freins, brothers in Gud, distinguished members of cabinet, I have come today with shocking news I have received via an anonymous tip. I have uncovered evidence of conspiracy to overthrow the government.

Yes, it is a great shock. Right now, I have Lahore station master under arrest. He is a very bad man. There are, however, others, but they will not get far, believe me. I think it is best at this stage that I deal with this issue within the department. Our railway police have the situation fully under control. If the ISI become involved I fear this situation will be blown out of all proportion, and I do feel we need to deal with the situation in a sober manner.

At this stage, the information provided points to Lahore station master and a small group of plotters in the city district. I have full confidence all will be captured by nightfall. Again, I recommend most strongly that this investigation is handled by the railways, at least until all culprits have been arrested and, er, properly interrogated.

Now, I am sorry I cannot stay, but I am sure you will agree, I need to be at my post as it were, managing this investigation. I am confident we shall put this incident to rest and I will be able to brief you more fully in the morning.

I am sure I do not need to remind you all of our vows of cabinet confidentiality and the importance of this information staying with us. Any leaks will alert the participants of this coup and will jepardise the investigation. I will take any leaks here to be a serious breach of national security.

Gentlemen, I thank you for your time.

---

One hour later...

Yes, men, I have brought down this coup. I have ringleader in the jail. Any Railways Minister would do the same. I am only doing my duty as a Pakistani public servant. Questions?

---

Yes, I breach Section 9A of Pakistani Railways Act. I tell him to travel in reserved seat without ticket. Also, I let the garden go in recent times, it is true. But overthrow goverment? I am a patriotic man. I love Pakistan, Amerika, Mother England. If Mr Bilour wants to take me to Kabul as his instrument, it will be my pleasure.

---

Good. I will take him to Kabul as my instrument. If ISI wants to make trouble, we will need to re-open our investigation.

Coup is finished. End of story.

---

Ghulam Ahmad Bilour and the Lahore Station Master (top left) perform mental strengthening exercises before a show.

---

He won't do Rogers and Hammerstein? What is wrong with this man? We need to give public what they want!

---

That are all playing paper scissors rock, although they have a curiously upside down way of signalling paper. And they all went for the paper in this photo!
It is very rare for some many players to come up with paper simultaneously. They must feel like silly asses. They certianly look it.




http://www.ozpolitic.com/album/forum-attachments/mr_bilour_and_some_of_his_instruments.jpg

Thank you PB, this is a very interesting thread.

Ah, my frien, you are from the West. You do not know mental strengthening exercises.

In Pakistan, all learn. It helps to explain our superior moral and intellectual strength, no?

Your peoples invent a cheese, isn’t it. Allah Uakbar, we invent things a man cannot see.

In Pakistan, as the story goes, they invented a stick. It was back in the old days, when Pakistan was the cradle of civilization. There were some farmers in a field discussing the topic of grass.

"This, I would like to eat."

"Is grass - you cannot eat. Grass is for the cows and sheeps."

"Yes, but what if I change strain over time? Maybe I can make a wheat."

"It is so. Then we can have bread."

And so it was done. But what of the stick?

Two goat herders were sitting on the banks of the Indus river. One threw in a stick and watched it make its way downriver and into the rapids. "Look! It floats!"

The second goat herder found a stick also. On it was an ant. "But look at this one - I will make him travel by water." And he threw in the stick and the ant traveled downriver to the rapids, where he traveled no more.

The first goat herder said he wanted to travel by water also, but the second goat herder didn't think it was possible. "No, I can do! I just need a bigger stick."

So the two men found a log, took it into the water and floated on it. "You see? It works!"

Before long, however, the current got the better of them and took them down to the rapids where, like the ant, they traveled no more.

You can see the goat herder's story in a dusty panorama in the Lahore Museum. It describes the evolution of the stick into a boat, from a boat to a ship, and from a ship to trade and travel throughout all Asia.

Believe it or not, friends, those Pakistani farmers and goat herders also invented a cheese - very resourceful men they were. Bread, cheese and travel by land and sea.

If you put one rupee in a slot at the Lahore Museum, recording will tell all in the Urdu language.

Karnal wrote on Oct 2^nd, 2012 at 9:57pm:

Ah, my frien, you are from the West. You do not know mental strengthening exercises. In Pakistan, all learn. It helps to explain our superior moral and intellectual strength, no? Your peoples invent a cheese, isn’t it. Allah Uakbar, we invent things a man cannot see.

Ah! my good frien Karnal, Amerika...they do this also

we call them lies

Ah, my dear, in Pakistan, we call it truths.

We are all one, isn't it.

Will Lahore Station Master perform to Mr Bilour Sahib's satisfaction? Mr Bilour would like a Steinway, but Lahore Station Master may be more of a glockenspiel.

"Higher!"

"Eeeeehhh!"

"No good! Again!"

"Eeeeeeeeeehhhh!"

"Ah, I cannot perform with this instrument. It is useless."

"You want we should do another ticket check, Sahib?"

"No! I want quality. Those ticket cheats might sound alright in the short-term, but they do not last. We will have to work with this one. Why to get ticket cheat when I can have Lahore Station Master?"

"Ah, Sahib, you are a perfectionist. You must have quality!"

"I have my audience to consider. First, Green Zone in Kabul, then Fox, CNN, BBC, all. Hopefully, I can get a movie deal."

Lahore Station Master, however, is becoming difficult. He keeps requesting things: bottles of Evian drinking water, a clean towel at each rehearsal, imported surgical tape for the electrodes, it is making Mr Bilour's hair turn grey.

"Look at this! Only yesterday I had many lustrous black hairs, it is very sad."

"Ah, Sahib, you must dye your hairs before the show. You can use wonderful Clairol treatment. All the movie stars use. It has many chemicals!"

"Please to buy - but don't tell instrument!"

"No, Sahib, it is just between you and me. It is true, he is giving me many grey hairs also."

"Insh'allah, it is the price we must pay. It is our patriotic duty."

"Yes, Sahib, we will get many foreigners coming to Pakistan to travel on our fine trains!"

"That also. When I go to West and get movie deal, many will want to come."

"Insh'allah."

"Yes, insh'allah."

"Many tickets we will sell!"

"I will perform in concert halls all over the worlds!"

"Trains will be full!"

"CNN, BBC, Youtube..."

"Pakistan will be number one!"

"I will buy house in Palm Springs!"

"Ah, but instrument..."

"Better get him his foreign water. Ah, you cannot get good instruments anymore..."

Yes, friends, it is true. But it is pre-show nerves also. As they say in the showbiz; insh'allah, all will be right on the nights, isn't it.

Keep reading, friends, and you will see.

Mr Bilour (inset) and his instrument, yet to be unveiled.

---

Ex Dame Pansi wrote on Sep 29^th, 2012 at 12:12pm:

This trip is beyond Doris Day, the heat will kill her. Ask Karzai if he like another act, is very good. Amerika, she have many beautiful voices. The boys will love. Kate Perry she is not what some people say, the true old fashion propaganda whore, she Amerikan idol. http://www.setyoufreenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/katy-perry-army-propaganda.jpg

don't know why but katy perry reminds me of mum and the lovely lunches she gave us. mmmm....

Ah, my dear, she will have many nice lunches in Lahore. Wimpy mutton burger: 100 RP.  Chicken Jalfrezi: 40 RP. Punjabi thali: 60 RP. Beef Khalash: 40 RP.  Roti: 5 RP 1 piece.

Tiffen lunchtime only.