Yours truly is planning to go to the land of Vegemite bliss this December which is your summer to my winter and to all of our heart's discontent. Even my travel agent was an "Ozzie" sorry, AuZZie, no wait, it's Fozzie the Bear, right?


What a "local" Australian travel agent looks like.

Our conversation was meaningless an pointless as he took my money:

"Ere, uur, youuul 'ave a wuderful time, mate."

See? SEE? Immediately this dude starts calling me his "mate"

So I'm like "Dude, I not not going by a god damn ship, am I?"

He laughs. Thinks to himself 'Another god damn lowly-educated American on my hands.'

"Egits jus un' expression, mate. Like huw uwe Ameurcuns says "dude."

Well!

So I'm all like "Dude, the word dude is universal and succinct to the letter in that it means your life and personal existence and interest don't mean anything to me."

And then he's all like "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude."

While there I'm more than planning on being the ugly American tourist as I can possibly be. I'll intentionally mispronounce everything like Canberra as "Can-of-berra" brekky as "brake fast" and be sure to wear a Fosters t-shirt with a silk screen of Chris Hemsworth blowing Hugh Jackman on the back.

I dunno. Maybe some Trump gear so I can get in good with the local racist seeing that weed is not legal there what else is there to do?

Don't want to "see" the beaches" or one single kangaroo because we all know that Eckhart dude will be "rooting" them all with his anti-America hook-and-sloganism. I mean, gross.  No I want to see bogans. Loads and loads of bogans for I hear they are like Texuuns only with better accents and can count above 3. Then to top it all off, I'll visit a couple of aboriginal ghettos. I'll be safe, right? It's not like they can afford Rohypnol or have a gun.

If I have any remaining leftover "fiddly" I'll venture into the Outback and take a selfie and say, "There is where they filmed Mad Max" and are flimflaming another one now with that hot girl from the Queen's Gambit." So touristy.

I hope to die from dehydration only to consume gallons of Fosters from bathtub (I hear it runs backwards there), develop kangaroo pox from a bogan, stalk Steve Kilbey, see Pine Gap where the CIA plans all their political assassination operations, meet a Fozzie lesbian (but not Ruby Rose) and take her back to L.A. and maybe if there is still time celebrate on watching the Great Barrier Reef slowly die.

Wuderful time, indeed.

Thanks! I'm going to Mail Born because I once heard the great Colin Hay walked upon the soil there. He's an American citizen now like that dude from Tears for Fears so he sold his soul. Both of them live right up the street from me in L.A. where I work in the summer. 

Had zero interest to go to Sid Knee due to the fact the Fozzie travel agent told me of many "great deals" there. Who cares about deals? For how much air travel is these days I want to go where I'll get lost easily and end up being date raped by an ex-pat limey who is a staunch Bananarama fan although Sid Knee has much better ghettos. You know, where Eckhart lives burning American flags in the name of Jesus just to keep warm.

Loads of bummers, though. Like Starbucks and The Gap Stores everywhere Did see this on a Mail Born image search



Looks a lot like east Denver - only cleaner.

But...but...but...

Marla wrote on Jul 17^th, 2022 at 12:01am:


Who in the christ uses a travel agent in 2022? America is a third world country, of course.  In your time here you won't see news stories about mass shootings or poor people dying of preventable disease

You'll be fine here Marla, as long as you bring your map of Tasmania...

The Heartless Felon wrote on Jul 17^th, 2022 at 5:50pm:




she won't get that one.

Foster's ?? ... how sick do you want to be the next morning?

Go for the best, Tooheys New, or XXXX

AusGeoff wrote on Jul 17^th, 2022 at 7:28am:


Good to see you finally coming out as a bona fide racist. You've been circling the drain sine you've got here. No question now.

I repeat, pity, you showed promise.