Lefties take over

The last time I flew overseas, I was shocked to discover on boarding the plane that it was being piloted by a lefty. Faced with the terrible choice of putting my life in the hands of a naive lefty (this is a plane, not a computer game) and running back down the gangway screaming like a lunatic, I unfortunately chose the former. How would this end? Would he fly us into the nearest building? Would he liberate us to Cuba? After takeoff, a sinister looking lefty hostess offered me a rum and coke to dull my senses. Four rums later, I drifted into a fitful slumber, interrupted by frightful images of lefties taking over the world, voting, starting businesses, eating tofu, going to university, thinking for themselves.

When I got off the plane outside of Cuba, I realised I had to do something. I bought myself a gun and a copy of financial review. I also got myself a copy of the Bible, and ripped out the New Testament on account of Jesus being a hippy. I stuck it in my coat pocket. This would be my makeshift bullet proof vest. I stood on the nearest street corner, hollering at people as they walked past. But I was too late. I realised then that they were all lefties. So comfortable were they in their dastardly plan that they didn’t even feel the need to beat me up or put me in jail. As if to ram this home, a long haired hippy dressed as a police officer walked right past me. I knew he was a hippy because he refused to make eye contact, no mater how loudly I hollered.

I had to change tactics. So I went to an online forum to tell people how lefties were to blame for everything. But they had invaded there too. They called me a righty and refused to concede that I was a centrist, the silent majority, the heart and soul of America. I still had one card up my sleeve though, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I purchased some women’s clothing and snuck into a place where I wasn’t really wanted, intent on wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting lefties. Finally, my plan worked and the women went hysterical. Typical lefties. But at least the world was safe while they were distracted. For now.